This is a passage from my journal on March 15th 08- In my silence comes sin, comes the flood thoughts that corrupt a pure soul.
Like prey to a hungry wolf I feel overcome, burdened and defeated...my mind becomes a wildfire of sorrow, set and flame and now impossible to put to end. All of this in my silence
But, In the same silence I hear God..the stillness so beautiful and serene. I feel at peace and take deep breaths as I hear my steady heart beating..He fills my heart with hope. All of this in silence.
***This was only last spring.. I remember myself often feeling a numbness ..somthing that would take over my whole body and I wrote about this several times. I wrote- numb, i don't know what I want anymore..Im reacting to others based on this feeling of nothing inside which isn't good because it can hurt those around me. Numb to the feelings of my heart.
I am writing this blog now to say that things can change. And to help myself release some of the feelings I once had (or lack there of). Now, I have not had those same thoughts for quite some time.. change and time can really help wounds that have built up over a while.
So , It was selfish..of me to think this way, everyone in there life has hard things they must overcome and personal struggles they must face. I truly am BLESSED with everything that is in my life..every person, every opportunity ..it's amazing sometimes to sit and think of ALL the good I have been given. And that is how I recognize when I am being selfish or trying to be brought down by negative thoughts.
I should get going .. I have another full day of school and work. Last night went WAYY to long.. a full 3 and a half hours of EDITING which I learned Nothing. Then Painting which sapped all my left over energy from me. Try carrying a bag filled with canvases bigger than you, and a tackle box filled with paint supplies up a hill.. in what feels like 30 degree weather while wearing ballet flats..Im sure you can picture it. Wasn't easy..and when 9:30 rolled around I was SO ready for bed.