My current state.

I am up at 5:45 am..can't sleep. I am doing alright.. my last post was purely a reflection of the chaos that has been filling my mind lately in a maybe more pessimistic view.  I have been real sick lately..and no diagnoses has been i just keep resting and trying to hang in there and its getting frusterating. Cause I want to be 100 percent symptoms of any illness.  My eyes have been burning a lot lately because I think I want to let go and cry and cry and nothing comes out most the time.

Along with that theres been work and financial issues..that have really been bogging me down. And its christmas time and -all I want to do is give to others but  I can't afford anything at all.. all I can give is my time because I have nothing else to give and that frusterates me especially cause I'm sick. I feel helpless..and its not such a good feeling.  I had a parking ticket sent to my parents house last week that was way overdue and I had no reccolection warning -not even the slightest Idea I had one.

I consider myself a woman of strength .. and with these two things (finances and health ) slipping away it makes me feel powerless.. and I need to re-gain these things. overcome this hard time..find a way out.

Besides all that. on a more OPTImistic side.. I love this time of year... the snow and the lights and the shopping (even though im more like looking , not shopping this year) . .......There I go again ..turning a positive into a negative. I need to stop. great thing

SCHOOL IS DONE! ...... i finally have a break for a while..and i am so happy about it. It'll be nice to have days off where i can completely do whatever I'd like instead of think about school work and projects. I want to get back to some free time where I can work on my photography a bit and go around taking pictures for fun like i was in the early fall. That is one of my favorite things to do . 

so maybe what I really need is a vacation..i think its been a few years since I've actually been on one. like a REAL that I think about it..its probobly been about 6 or 7 years since Ive been on one.  . All I seem to do is work or school . I want to go somewhere distant that I can see new things and learn a lot. just somwhere far away ..not somewhere too hot but somewhere I can walk around on the beach with bare feet , sit by the ocean. Somewhere with not a lot of people but  that I can just write a lot.. take photos....and completely forget whats going on in my life for a change.   But- it always comes back to finances..and as soon as I get this wonderful idea of what I want to do .. i remember its not possible.