I have to get somthing off my mind. I just spent the last hour or two reading one of my many journals I kept from 2005-2006 and my first experience with New york city, and I had a sick feeling inside while reading it and had to hold back tears. While re-opening parts of my past it was difficult for me to read about nights I spent alone in a fashion filled world, and how exhausted I always felt (probobly from my lack of food) and walking home at 4 am alone after a cold ride on the subway. After reading these entries it made me realize how many situations I was in that were not good for me...or not easy, but yet how determined I was to pull through it all.
I could have made long lists of how many times I saw the words Tired, Lonely, Difficult, Sore, Hurt, and Young. Many of my entries talk about how I had a feeling of being so young all the time and being in a place where I felt everyone was older than me, and getting called a baby, or "GREEN" which I now know is a term used to tell someone they are just not ripe yet, not yet at your prime. Now I look back at that and LAUGH- feel young? I wish I still felt that. I talked several times about how much I missed my family, and about times I felt used and look back and see my nievity.
(I am being very brief here... I do not plan on spilling my entire journal on a blog) however, I am up late tonight struggling with finding a connection to that past I had.. and my life today-they feel so disconnected.)
Through all of these writings I saw a common theme- God's Protection. So many things I wrote about I look back on and tell myself I really dodged a bullet and don't know how i pulled out of that situation- IT HAD TO BE GOD.
I hope some day to share lots of things , write about them ..... all of my entries about nights and nights in new york and moving from apartment to apartment and how through it all - I learned to trust God. And how I spent nights alone praying for protection and peace with the decision I had made to live there. How I would listen to headphones while walking the streets and repeat the words, "There's a light in me that shines brightly, they can try , but they can't take that away from me."
I wrote this poem december 3, 05 - on the kitchen floor with the Oven turned on for heat! ( no lie....I was sitting on a hard white kitchen floor, oven on..and oven door slighly open and sitting there beside it because i was freezing cold . I was probobly writing this somwhere around 3 am.. because i would work until after 1 most nights.
Will this ever end? The sickness
That I feel, is this all for real?
Thoughts in my head and things
In my heart. It’s so hard to be
So far apart- from the ones I love
So far away,
Struggling every day.
The sun will soon come up; what will tomorrow bring?
A typical morning cup of coffee or tea...
Maybe that could be.
That is all I know for sure, because each day is so new,
Full of surprise and exciting in my blue eyes.
NYC is the place, the place that
I will be-the place that I will grow
And soon someday will show that each day is a struggle
That each day is tough- but no one ever told me success would
Not be rough.
I wrote this to clear my head of some of the things I feel tonight . hope it didn't come out jumbled and confusing.
Love , Lo